My New Joke: "The Perfect New Holliday That Everyone Needs:"

   I have just invented a new Holliday, a perfect Holliday, the Holliday that everyone needs: "National Fuck You's Day!"

  Think about it for a moment and you will see that this is perfect in every way. Holidays are supposed to be cathartic or even narcotic, but these days they are failing. Every year less and less people are celebrating traditional Holidays. It has gotten so bad that Christmas is now two months long and officially starts before Thanksgiving, immediately after Halloween. Clearly this is wrong.

  But Fuck You's Day will be a holiday that truly has something for everyone: On Fuck You's Day you get to say "Fuck You" to anyone you want, as loud as you want, as often as you want, without any fear of reprisal. Fighting and payback will be strictly illegal, but there will be no need because if someone says "fuck you" to you, well you can say it right back! Just imagine the possibilities...

  The President can kick it off with a morning speech saying "Fuck You" to America. Everyone in the audience who wants to say it can say "Fuck You" right back. Strong supporters of The President can say "Fuck You" to all those who just said "Fuck You" to The President, then those people can say "Fuck You" right back to them!

  Students saying "Fuck You" to their teachers, the poor saying "Fuck You" to the rich, racists saying "Fuck You" to the races they hate, criminals saying "Fuck You" to cops, workers saying "Fuck You" to their bosses, soldiers saying "Fuck You" to their superiors, spouses saying "Fuck You" to each other; and all these saying "Fuck You" right back!

  But this is only the beginning. Entire nations can say "Fuck You" to each other and when the United States gets more "Fuck You's" than any other nation, well, the U.N., I.M.F., and W.T.O. can strike back by telling these nations "Fuck You" on behalf of the United States.

  Customers saying "Fuck You" to their banks, renters saying "Fuck You" to their landlords, drug addicts saying "Fuck You" to their dealers, patients saying "Fuck You" to their Doctors, defendants in court saying "Fuck You" to the judge, and all these saying "Fuck You" right back.

  The possibilities are endless. This is a holiday that truly has something for everyone. Even those people who think they are better than everyone else, more holy or evolved or enlightened; they too can get in on the action! By not saying "Fuck You" to those who say "Fuck You" to them, they get the greatest "Fuck You" of them all; the silent passive-aggressive "Fuck You." The "Fuck You" that says "I am so much better than you that I need not stoop to your inferior level." Yes, the "Fuck You" unsaid is the greatest "Fuck You" of them all!

  There may be some possibility of a fight or two on "Fuck You's Day," but I imagine the chances of this to be far less than one might think. Certainly less than those that regularly occur on St. Patrick's Day or Thanksgiving, for example, and for good reason: Because on National Fuck You's Day everyone will be saying it and hearing it! There will be no embarrassment or shame involved and thus no reason to fight.

 And part of the beauty of Fuck You's Day is that the benefits need not only be for that one day! All year long whenever anyone pisses you off, you just add them to your "Fuck You List" and say to yourself "just you wait until next Fuck You's Day, then I'll tell you off!"

  It may well become the most popular holiday in human history! I can even see all the thriving Fuck You's Day merchandise; T-Shirts, buttons, flags, greeting cards, all emblazoned with a big "Fuck You" middle finger. Big foam hands with the middle finger up, specialty gift baskets filled with human feces and other "Fuck You" offerings... yes the possibilities are endless!

  Society is badly in need of new holidays, especially those that allow the population to let off steam.  It always has and it always will. Our modern holidays are all out of date and out of tune with the feelings of our modern civilizations, so isn't it time we started a new one, one specifically designed to actually make sense and serve a social purpose? Well I'm convinced and if you're not then I only have one thing to say to you: "Fuck You."

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