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My New Joke: "The Perfect New Holliday That Everyone Needs:"
I have just invented a new Holliday, a perfect Holliday, the Holliday that everyone needs: "National Fuck You's Day!" Think about it for a moment and you will see that this is perfect in every way. Holidays are supposed to be cathartic or even narcotic, but these days they are failing. Every year less and less people are celebrating traditional Holidays. It has gotten so bad that Christmas is now two months long and officially starts before Thanksgiving, immediately after Halloween. Clearly this is wrong. But Fuck You's Day will be a holiday that truly has something for everyone: On Fuck You's Day you get to say "Fuck You" to anyone you want, as loud as you want, as often as you want, without any fear of reprisal. Fighting and payback will be strictly illegal, but there will be no need because if someone says "fuck you" to you, well you can say it right back! Just imagine the possibilities... The President can kick it off with a mornin...
My New Joke: "Human Perspective"
You know, humans have a lot of problems, but I think the biggest problems have to do with relativity and perspective . Let me give you a few examples... I have these friends who are a darling couple. They love each other, have good jobs, a nice house, and five wonderful children. The other day I am over at their house, in the kitchen, and the husband comes back from the supermarket. The wife says, "honey, did you remember to buy the Pepsi this time?" The husband slaps himself on the forehead and says, "oh my gosh, I am so sorry darling, I forgot again!" And she absolutely goes nuts, yelling and cursing at him, then storming off to their bedroom. Now, they are both my friends, so I go off to the bedroom to comfort her. The husband tries to warn me not to because she is so angry. But when I get to the bedroom she is not angry at all, in fact she is in tears. Total despair, just weeping buckets of tears, and I ask her what's the matter? And she says,"...
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Aye, I dare ya!